Turning the Tide

The awkward part of knowing the stages of grief is always being on the lookout for which stage each of your family members may be in. I clearly had hit anger and was holding on to that emotion as if it were a lifeline. Conley had shown a few tears since the funeral and I was waiting for the "snap". Would it be on a teacher? A classmate? Lord, what kind of damage mitigation was going to be needed?

Conley had officially started his football season when I pulled him out of a couple practices for our trip. I had explained that we were going to do a few drills while on the coast. We laid out our towels, and drinks. I had taken in a few deep breaths as Conley ran into the tide. I finally decided this would be a perfect time to practice a drill I was now an expert on...I had watched it twice before! Conley rolled his eyes because this was NOT what he wanted to be doing in the sand. It's really hard for me to watch someone with full potential putting forth minimal effort. After a few mistrials I snarkily said something like "I'm going to give you a spankin if you don't do this drill right!" Okay, I was not in a good headspace to be teaching a game I know nothing about! At that very moment, Conley full on screamed at me. "No Mom should EVER talk to their child that way!!" I stared at him, mortified as I knew everyone around is watching this unfold. He continued screaming at me that I'm the worst Mom. Don't react...Don't react... I repacked our bag and started walking for the cabin. He trailed me like a healer pup, snapping at me every step of the way. When we finally entered the cabin, I quietly, and solidly said," you need to stop".

After his shower, he sat on the bed, crosslegged and glares at me. You know, the I am so pissed off at the world right now, kind of stare. Thankfully we had bought a journal for this trip. "Conley, I need you to write down this question and then answer it. Why am I so angry? When you're finished we'll talk about our behavior." After a little thinking time, it essentially came down to I'm mad that E killed my Dad. That was the critical moment where our tides began to shift, initiating real healing. Of course, that afternoon, we brightened our moods by pretend shooting stuff at the arcade!

Thank the Lord, he didn't lose it on anyone else. Thankfully, he felt safe enough to get out his anger with me. And most importantly, we were able to discuss our comments and realized our anger was speaking. James 1:19: You must be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. I used to think anger made me tougher, quick witted and bold. Now I realize after reconciling that my anger made me weak, small and pitiful. Anger, disgust and contempt are all variations that reside at the core of sarcasm, loneliness, poor communication. and revenge. Once we were able to list out the reasons we were angry, our raging fire, felt more like a steaming sauna as we started to cool off. "I'm mad that T died." "I'm mad she was ever in his life." "I'm mad I didn't speak up sooner." "I'm mad that her family knew what she was capable of and no one stood up for the youngest person in the equation."

Conley's counselor had given him a magical jewel. He was to ground himself, take deep breaths, and go to the place in his heart where love resides. Then Conley was supposed to hold the jewel on a chain above his chest: a circular movement indicated he was in a good head/heart space. I love this concept. If we all took a minute daily to ground ourselves in the loving depths of our heart and breathe, we too would be healing our anger, hatred and scorn.

The day of our departure home, I took Conley to my favorite place in Oregon. The fog was heavy and we couldn't see 10 feet in front of us as we walked down to the water. The mist and haze enveloped us, drowning out extraneous noise and we were completely, utterly alone...and at peace. A healing practice I came across about a year ago is to sit with my emotion. Finding a quiet place and I recognize what I feel, label it, and allow my body to respond. I then visualize what my emotion looks like and why it looks the way it does. When I've taken the time to sit with my emotions, I bring the emotion into the bright light within and watch it heal. I thought this practice was cooky, until I put it to the test.

"Are you ready to move forward?" I asked this question as we re-entered Montana. We recognized that there were still going to be rough days, and that we were allowed to feel however we needed. I know our next hurdle will be forgiveness. We agreed to communicate any emotion or experience; however, from this trip forward, our tide had turned and we were on the healing side.

Photo: Multnomah Falls-- The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it.