IIIIIII am ALiVE! The realization hit me like lightning. A chill ran down my spine eliciting goosebumps and instantaneously all my senses were heightened. The pumpkin spice candle wafting through my nostrils, the sparkle of the city below, the comfort of my sweatshirt wrapped around me and soon I'd get to enjoy the savory taste of the dinner I was preparing. With that, the natural ecstasy of life happened and I started giggling!
During our regular morning drive to work/school a week earlier, we started discussing the verse of the day. This eventually led to the omniscient knowledge of God. I was feeling pretty good about things and Conley went silent for a minute (quite a feat if you know my son). Then..."Mom, if God knows what's going to happen, does that mean he knew my Dad was going to die?" Ugh, and just like that my confidence crumbled! Leave it to a child to drive straight to the heart of the matter. Drumroll for my profound answer...... "Yes."
I explained as best I could, that we don't always know why bad things happen, but I believe that there is a time for everything to happen. This question, however, continued to haunt me for the upcoming days. With Conley's permission, I sent this question to our family pastor. Poor guy, what a way to christen him to Billings on his second week at our church! His answer boiled down to this...We can't always explain what traumatic things happen; however, we know that God can use our pain/suffering for His glory.
I knew I needed to bring this answer to Conley but wasn't sure how, until the night of my "I'm alive" realization. During dinner I told Rob and Conley about my feeling and they both smiled. Rob said "I was hoping you'd get to this point soon." I looked at Conley and said, "You have a decision to make. You've been a victim of domestic abuse. You've heard and seen things that are unimaginable for any human, let alone a child to experience. However, you've been protected and are alive for a reason. You can continue to feel like a victim (ashamed, embarrassed, hurt and bitter) or you can see yourself as the survivor that you are. This event and the past does not have to define your future. You do not have to feel guilty for being happy. You may have sad days, which is normal, but your life can have meaning by helping others. You also are ALiVE!"
Thank the Lord, I have had to overcome being a past victim of abuse and assault. From one survivor's heart to another, I was able to speak truth.
And so our life has moved forward. We've received two separate packets of civil lawsuit paperwork, where E has claimed all of T's assets. Again, Conley is not a victim and will be only grateful if he receives anything from his Dad. There've been no arrests, no legal claims of wrong doing, and yet, we're not going to let the fate of one person in this world dictate our lives at this point. We do wish her peace and pray her heart is reconciled from this pain.
Everyone asks, how is Conley really doing? I can't speak for him, but here's what I've seen. Conley is enjoying being active in football and hunting. He has opted to see his counselor once a month. He is healthy as the red rimmed eyes, runny nose, and cough that have been ever-so-present for the last 4 years are gone. He is excelling in school. Conley talks about his Dad frequently which is welcomed. We've had his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins to our house and he is able to visit/see them regularly. And most importantly, our house if filled with the laughter of a child, pattering feet of two big dogs, and the love of a couple of educators. We are ALiVE!
Conley's first big hunting trip was a success!
Comments