A second, a moment, is all that really separates us from life and death. Heart beating one moment and silent the next. So many times, I've heard people put life and death on opposite ends of the spectrum; but what if they are two data points on one end of the line and on the other lives endless possibility, fulfillment, purpose, sweet life lived abundantly.
Our support system is amazing and our friends have not left us or forgotten our infliction this last year. The question of how are we doing has been a welcome reminder that we are resilient and working through our grief. Many things have happened in the last six months lending to a period of silence and quiet healing.
Conley is still having some death reconciliation dreams. He sees and speaks with his Dad regularly in his dreams. I'm thinking it's hard for him to wrap his head around T getting better in the hospital, being discharged and then dying suddenly. We continue to utilize counseling services and he has been able to use his grieving experience to help other people through tough times. I am forever in awe of his fortitude and grace in handling life situations right now. Since I last wrote, we've navigated 3 major holidays, 2 birthdays, and a guitar concert. Our looming challenge is summer starting, a time that he spent largely with his Dad. He's nervous for what this season will look like, but hopeful that he will be okay.
I felt I had to be extra cautious about the situation as there was an ongoing investigation. As of now, that has gone nowhere and we are learning to be okay with a lack of justice on earth. During this time, we were made aware that T and E had never officially gotten married and that there wasn't a legal will. In the State of Montana that would mean that Conley would stand to inherit all of T's possessions including cattle. As things unfolded, we received all the legal documents E put forth to prove they were common law married and she stood to inherit all of T's possessions. This grueling process put me in a precarious position as I read all the love letters my Ex wrote to his second wife...I don't recommend this to anyone. It was not pleasant! In the end, the court recognized that they were indeed married through common law and she inherited almost every possession. We've really tried to teach Conley that memories don't exist in the physical items, but in our hearts and minds.
I joke with my friends that I've hit my mid-life crisis; but truthfully I have become morbidly aware of my mortality. I now live in a world where 38 yr old men die unexpectedly. I have seen and lived the awful wake that tragedy leaves behind as we all try to make sense of the senseless. I've leaned into Jesus in a way I didn't know possible. This allows me to make space and give grace to my students and friends as that is what He has done for me. If ever given the choice to choose a life in Christ, choose "Yes". You won't be disappointed.
All of this to say, we are free! We are thriving and being present every day. Our pain does not define us and we know our trials can be used to support or help another. So what's next?? Camping, fishing, lots of out doors times, and many evenings spent all together. Life is a beautiful thing.
* This was written in May 2022. Some things have changed which will be included in Part 2:)
Photo: This was taken at 11pm over Swan Lake. Conley experienced his first sweat lodge this night.
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