Bedtime again. I'm a grown woman and I still disdain this time of day. My nighttime routine is set, so is my husbands. Not exactly a Psychologists' textbook recommendation but it works for us. As the make-up washes from my face, I reflect. It was a good day, yet my chest is heavy and my body hurts. Dread...I don't want to close my eyes.
My head hits the pillow and my brain tells me this is good and healthy. Sleep is necessary! My eyes close and I'm instantly transported back. I see my walls with the trim I stained and varnished with my friend. My body counts the number of steps to the bathroom, something I could walk in the drowsy moments of early morning. As my memory walks through the rooms of my home, tears well in my eyes. That house built by our hands, raised our children. The walls filled with our laughter and tears IS my home. WAS my home? I fall asleep to my silent sobs, my pillow wet. When I wake, my vision clarifies...a facade home.
My homesickness is riddled with shame and frustrations. If I tell anyone, then I will come across as ungrateful. How dare I miss a home when I've been given a new beautiful home. Frustration abounds when the lack of familiarity through the day weighs down my system.
Logically, I know this move was the right choice. God called us into this place. Yet, the sites, sounds, comfort, routines, faces and expectations of the past wield dissonance to my brain scaffolding. This will become home...it just takes time.
Oh the grace I've consumed from my family, new church and new co-workers. I've been a bear: irritable, sad, uncharacteristically quiet. I want to scream this isn't the real me!! Give me time...
In this moment, I'm reminded of how many times in my past, Jesus has guided me through grace and space. The time to process, grieve, celebrate and find contentment will never be taken for granted.
We have been studying about the prophet Elijah in church and his emotions after the victory over the prophets of Baal on Mt Caramel. I Kings 19 shares Elijah’s interactions with God as he deals with disappointment and in a way, change. I encourage you to read the chapter to see God’s gentle way of taking care of this man who wanted to react in a way that was 100 percent human. Allow yourself the time you need to transition, dear Sister. And when needed, take a nap, have a snack, and vent to our listening God. You are loved.