If fear and anger were human they'd be conjoined twins. One body, two mindsets, coexisting within the same system. These emotions elicit similar sensations: racing heart, blurred peripheral vision, hyper-focus, shallow breathing. However, when these sensations occur daily/hourly the world labels it anxiety. It's not easy walking through this world always triggered, wondering when the next attack will occur. The guard can never be let down.
I wasn't always this way...or was I? Neurotic, hyperactive, perfectionist. Yes, I sure was! Motherhood increased the intensity. A perfectionist mother is a recipe for heartache. I remember racing to my son's crib during nap time every 5-10 minutes to see if he was still breathing! When Conley was an infant, toddler, and young child I felt a constant fear that he was never safe. However, I wasn't prepared for the thoughts to move from keep the little human alive to keep the mid-sized, strong-willed human safe in this world. All my fears became justified when a deadly gunshot occurred 10 feet from his bedroom, a presumed place of safety. Time has healed most of those fears. Just when I thought we were on solid footing, I get THE principal call from school. Fear floods my body...again!
One of my favorite motherhood stories in the Bible is when Mary and Joseph lost Jesus during the passover festival for a couple of days. I imagine he was an aloof 12 yr old, always thinking about something. How does a brain know what Jesus knew and not be all in his head? I've lost Conley at a fair carnival for 10 minutes and my world feel apart. And yet, Jesus chastised his Mother, "Bruh, I'm at church where my peeps are, yo." I empathize with Mary's presumed utter anguish, fear and frustration when her child didn't understand how worried she had been about him.
How do we possibly navigate the fear of our children being safe in this world? THE phone call was worse than if my son was safe or not. He was making others feel afraid. And just like that, all the sensations come rushing in full force. I could barely breathe I was so angry and afraid this would radically change our lives circumstances. Here's when the conjoined twins emerge. Blurred lines of fear and anger. Have you ever reacted to a situation with anger, but later realized you were afraid instead? Actions...consequences...reteaching...forgiving...parenting. The challenge is teaching our children to respect LIFE-theirs and others. Without this number 1 concept ingrained, people can say and do terrible things. But with this concept, our children amaze us with their capacity for empathy and benevolence. At the end of the day, these young humans bring us such fulfillment.
The opposing force to this anxiety is the peace that blankets us when we see the glimmer in our children's eyes, we feel pride when we see them succeed and we feel joy when someone praises them. The affirmation of a trusted friend knows no bounds.
The amount of faith required when our child leaves our sight remains underemphasized. Here's my daily prayer: Lord, protect my child. Fill him with your Spirit, help him to make good choices, help him to be a good person and surround him with positive peers. Amen!
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