I received a multifaceted question this week and wanted to tackle it thoroughly. A truly blessed soul asked me how I got through the trauma of my first marriage and how it ended. I want to be clear that ending a relationship, no matter how toxic, still feels like a severed limb. The circumstances of the ending can only be understood by the complexity and disfunction prior. However, in short, I had to survive before I could thrive.
Two weeks ago I started my new job and a coworker made the assumption that I’ve never experienced anything bad because of the countenance of my face. I rejoiced, because this means I no longer hold the pain deep in my eyes that has plagued me for over a decade.
The trauma wasn’t just in the divorce, it started with the verbal, over-talking speeches that lasted too long and ended with the conclusion that I was just a bad wife. As we progressed in our relationship, the anger that overtook my husband came out in physical intimidation, punching my car, punching walls, cleaning his gun on my kitchen table. In time, it became apparent that a baby was expected. As a means of dominance the sexual abuse took over, ending when I was pregnant and starting up again after his birth. After 5 years I had lost my voice, memories, motivation, faith, and control of my body. Yet, I survived.
When divorce came, I was filled with shame. My family doesn’t believe in divorce and believed this was a sin. My brother lost a good friend, my sister lost a brother figure. I’ve never told anyone the circumstances of my marriage and there seemed to be confusion of why I would choose to end this relationship. My older sister, years after my divorce and after my second marriage, told me that in heaven I would still be married to my first husband. I lost friends, was isolated from family and alone for some time. I experienced years of legal proceedings and having to prove I wasn't abusive to my son. The most difficult, was coming to terms that I gave my son another ACES point. Yet, I survived.
I had to. No matter what friends or family believed or heard through rumors; I needed to be a happier, healthier person for my son, period. Nothing else mattered.
Healing led to thriving when I came to terms with:
Knowing I’m a beloved child of God,
Realizing bad things happened to me and I didn’t deserve it,
Reading Safe People by Cloud, Townsend- and working to be a safe person,
Opening my mind to love again,
Knowing my past is not my whole story and I can change my future.
Now, I get to healthy places on my healing journey and sometimes I’m faced with another growth opportunity. When my ex-husband died, I was given the opportunity to forgive a dead man and rebuild relationships with his family. It’s more positive than I could ever have imagined. I think it would have been better to forgive a live person, but these were my circumstances. When I learned of my uncle’s charge and conviction of sexual abuse, I was faced with an opportunity to forgive my parents for allowing me around an unsafe person as a child. Ultimately, as parents, we try to protect our children, but sometimes traumatic things happen. Yet, I’ve survived, healed, and hold to the mantra that we are to live this life abundantly. Our trauma leaves scars, but the healing is infinitely more beautiful.
Trauma fractures our psyche as we question all things that once made us feel secure. Hope for healing and safety for ourselves is how the process starts. When the time is right, we’re able to repair relationships with ones that hurt us along the way. Over time, I’ve intentionally tried to spend time with my family as a way to repair those relationships. It’s not steady progression but having them in my life now is better, even if time away was necessary. Abundantly living isn't material wealthy; rather it's having deep connections with safe people (family or not) to build our own community.
Beautiful life blooms from loss. If you’re working through a broken relationship, please be encouraged that the pain doesn’t last forever and your story may uplift someone else someday. With all the love and respect…
J
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