"Mom, I think I want to be different at my new school", Conley commented casually as we were driving to our new town.
"Oh?! What does that actually look like?" I prompted, very curious where he was taking this.
"Well, I was known as the crazy kid with too much energy and this time I want to be more calm and just more grown up."
"Thank you for describing this, now I know how I can support you." And the conversation ended
We are surrounded by social messages; rely on yourself, create your own identity, be an individual, go against mainstream, be an original. I grew up with these messages and the pressure that came with. Rely on myself = don't trust anybody, because everyone will let you down. Create your own identity= forget your roots and where you grew up. Be an individual= it doesn't matter who you run over in the process. Go against the mainstream= I can say or do what I want, when I want. Be an original= don't behave like anyone else. What a painful, lonely existence I was living! How far away from our intended humanity these messages direct us. When I finally started learning about community, these messages started to chip off my soul like a glacier calving icebergs. Huge weights began to dissipate as transformation took way. Conformity then becomes a double-edged concept. I'd rather tell kiddos, conform to the ideals, morals, values of a HEALTHY community (group of respected people you've come to love).
A powerful strategy I've used with students experiencing grief/loss, helps in understanding character development and conformity. Our heart has many rooms. When we form a loving relationship, that person moves into this room. This is where I store all the positive characteristics and memories of the person. I tell kids to let the negative character qualities and memories leave the room. This is how Conley can celebrate his Dad's sense of humor and music choices and forgive the anger outbursts and choice of partner. When that person passes, the room becomes permanent and that person is always a part of our character. Of course kids wonder what happens when each room is full. I smile and say, when you grow, your heart grows and more rooms are created...you can never love too many people!
So as I make life-changing decisions, I conform to all the dearly loved friends and family I want to be just like when I "grow up". Here are some behaviors and qualities I've stored in my heart, I give permission to borrow! I want to feed a family when they are grieving. I want to invite people to stay in my home when they have no where else to stay. I want to listen and offer guidance when requested. I want to show compassion and make the person in front of me feel like the most important person in the world. I want to play! I want to be a strong leader who always seems to know how to make the best decision for the most people. I want to be the mom that comes running every time my child or grandchild requests my presence. I want to be a loyal friend. I want people to know they can always ask for my help and I will gladly give it.
I'm so grateful for the examples of goodness I carry in my heart. Just like Conley's goal, when given the opportunity, I will chose to conform to these people. We are intended to do life together, not alone.
Conley, Rob and I "playing"!
*I've learned from Christ followers and non-believers. However, true transformation begins with a choice to allow the Holy Spirit into our hearts.
“We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love.”
2 Corinthians 6:6 NLT
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