It feels like I’m walking on uneven ground. One step is too high, the next barely any elevation or worse yet, declining. I thought I was managing fine, until I wasn’t. Yet, there exists this guilt that Conley seems to be doing better than I am. I am exhausted all of the time. I can’t seem to see the forrest through the trees. My only saving mechanism is the remind app feature on my phone. "Remind me to pay bills, remind me to get groceries, remind me to make sure Conley has brushed his teeth." I realized this week, it had been over two weeks since I watered my plants. I have all but stopped doing the little meaningful things to persevere. No more painting my toenails because well… what’s the point? I stopped exercising, writing, and my cooking was mechanical. Ugh, depression sucks! However, little by little, I'm coming back.
In the meantime, Conley finished his football season. He started showing more signs of PTSD through his startle response and dreaming. He explained to me that he feels like he is always on the watch, waiting for something to happen or someone to show up unexpectedly. This hyper-alert keeps adrenaline pumping through his body and can be exhausting. He wasn't aware, but on Thanksgiving Day, E's daughter reached out to him! I was shaking and instantly on alert. It's like this family doesn't know how to stop purposefully hurting us. Luckily to cope, he has been playing a lot out-side practicing his outdoor survival skills. I guess if he came through a shooting, he probably can handle a bear!
On the way to school last week, he described how he is starting to have dreams. His latest, was his Dad didn‘t actually die, he just had a rare disease that put him to sleep for a long time. So in his dream, Dad came back to life, crawled from the grave and came searching for him. We learn that death reconciliation dreams are common, but it gave me chills to hear him talk about them. This can explain his need for lots of hugs, prayers, and songs before bed. From my understanding, people have these dreams if a death was sudden without an opportunity to say good-bye or if the event doesn't fully make sense. Conley and his counselor have been working on ways to say good-bye, but this can take a while.
Yesterday, on our way home, Conley tells me that he feels like the shooting and death were his fault; that he didn't do enough to stop the arguing in the first place. I had to explain that an arrest would not happen solely on his testimony but that the investigators have to find more evidence. I can't imagine carrying that weight, but he seemed relieved when I explained that as a counselor, my only expectation of kids in a domestically unsafe situation is to keep themselves safe and to tell a trusted adult. When I reviewed how he talked to his teachers, principals, and past counselors and how he kept himself physically safe for the last 6 years, he had done everything right.
I'm struggling with the fact that there hasn't been an arrest...at least for child endangerment?! Can they lock someone up for inflicting PTSD, trauma and psychological pain?
However, resiliency and healing are still taking place. He just came home with his best report-card yet. I'm so proud and glad he doesn't have to carry around the stresses that domestic violence places on kids anymore. He is finally free to focus on his grades, activities and finding hobbies! Overall, the talk about T is positive, he's sad but grateful to be away from the fighting.
Photo: Sunrising over the mountain Thanksgiving morning.
When my soul is weary, these words help me:
Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
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